Stone Soup for Five: April 2014

10 things to do when your son has seen porn

So even though you've locked everything down as best you can, you have just found out your son has seen porn, or is currently viewing it, or has even made a habit/addiction of it.

NOW
WHAT?!



1. CALM DOWN AND DON'T PANIC TOO MUCH
(a little bit of initial panic is acceptable and probably unavoidable right now in all the raw ugliness)

 Know that nothing has happened that God doesn't know about.  God is still on His throne.  He still loves you.  He will walk with you through this.  He still loves your son.  He is still in control.



2. GRIEVE

It's okay to cry.  It's okay to grieve.  There has been a lot of innocence lost.  Our world is a dark place. It's hard.  It hurts.  You've lost trust, you've been deeply hurt.  It's ugly. You've been praying that this wouldn't happen.  And honestly, this whole thing SUCKS.
You may even say it's totally CRAPPY.
SUCKY.
UGLY.
And HARD.

But now, after you've found out, and are working through all the crappy sucky ugly stuff above, now we get down to YOU.  



3.  You need to control YOU.

The anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God.  
-James 1:20 NASB

Your anger at your son will not achieve the righteous life God wants you to live out before your son.  Yes, he has been deceptive. Yes he has lied.  Yes, he is sinning.  Yes, he is immature and believing the lies from Satan. And YES, this is impacting not only him, but your ENTIRE. STINKIN. FAMILY!  It is selfish, immature, lustful, and flat out, in-your-face WRONG.  
But even with all that, you need to be in control of yourself.  

You need to calm down enough to be in control. 

If you can't speak in a whisper or at least a normal tone of voice, you are NOT in control.  
If you can't look at him without crying, or feeling all tight inside, you are not in control.  

4.  WAIT

Deep breaths.

Waiting an hour, a day, or even a few days will be okay.  
Wait and pray for wisdom and peace and self-control.
Talk to God. Give this to your husband to handle if he is willing and back him up with prayer and support him as much as you can.  If he is unwilling, or if you are a single mom then talk to your best friend that knows all your ugliness.  Talk to a pastor, elder, someone in your church you trust, BEFORE talking to him.  


5.  Get Perspective


YOUR FIGHT IS NOT AGAINST YOUR SON

I can't stress that enough.

YOUR FIGHT IS NOT AGAINST YOUR SON.

There are consequences for him, and they should be painful.
This is not just a "boys will be boys" thing.
This is SIN.
This is your son, out of fellowship with the God who loves and created him.
This is your son, believing the lie and having Satan teach him about sex--incorrectly-- rather than learning about it the way God intended (from you and His word to us).  

But this is also your son, who God is being gracious with, to bring his sin to light.  God is GRACIOUSLY allowing you to see this, and now you can speak truth and life to him, and engage in the battle for his mind, his purity, his integrity, his SOUL.

God is GRACIOUS.  Thank Him.  You can now deal head on with this, and battle with God on your side, and truth in your arsenal (which we're going to fully load soon).

If God is for us, who can be against us? Romans 8:31

Talk to your husband.
If he is unwilling to talk about it, talk to others.
Find transparent relationships you can work on this with.
If there is no one in your life right now to walk through this with, get wisdom from God's word, and books.

It's out there, seek it out. 
Perspective changes so much.

God IS for you.  
God IS for your son.
He loves him.
He has a plan for him.
He grieves for him too.
He has a plan for you.

And honestly, when you finally reach the throne room of God, and you are on your face before Him, He's not going to ask you how your son did with porn; He's going to ask you how you parented Him through that.  

You are accountable for how you parent, not for how your son responded.

That's a frightening thought for me.
I'm covered by His grace, but I'm also responsible for how I live this life.
Ouch.


6.  WHAT TO DO IF YOU'VE ALREADY LOST IT ON YOUR SON:

So if you have freaked out (like I did when we first had this ugliness punch us in the gut) and if you've said things that you probably shouldn't have said in that way --yes, they were true, and yes, you probably meant 80% of it--but your delivery was all wrong... this road starts with apologizing.

Apologizing for your sinful anger.
And then explaining why you are hurt.
Why you are angry.
But that it was wrong to lash out at him.

Apologize
Be in control
Confront the lie
Speak the truth


...because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.  James 1:20 NIV


7.  WHAT TO DO IF YOU HAVEN'T CONFRONTED HIM YET:

So, if you are a wiser woman than me (which you probably are--easy goal to achieve, believe me.) and haven't confronted your son yet, or if he is still lying about it, what's the next best step if you have to confront this yourself? 

(If your husband can't, or is unwilling to deal with this, it's something YOU are going to have to do.  I'm coming at this whole post from that angle.  But if your husband IS willing, and is going to do it, Praise God! DO NOT take that away from him.  This is a HUGE moment that God can use to bring them closer together!  Talk and help, but let your husband do what he is willing to do.  It's an awesome thing!  But if not, here's what you can do.)

LOCK IT DOWN
(however you stumbled upon it, remove the ability to access it)
PRAY PRAY PRAY
TALK TALK TALK
Make sure your son knows you love him unconditionally.

You can go about this either the scenic route --if you think this hasn't gone on too long--which might look something like taking him along when you run errands and talking.  Getting him a soda and talking.  Doing yard work beside him and talking. Telling him about your struggles, etc. Keep communication open.  But if that isn't your style, or doesn't work...

You can always go the direct, non-stop, no layover, bullet train route and open the conversation up with a direct statement.

i.e. "I know you've seen porn"

"I found some ugly stuff on the computer we need to talk about."

if he denies it, maybe you could say something like 
"I feel like you're not being totally truthful here..."

"I think you need to tell me more..."
 or
 "I've been praying that God will show me sin that needs to be dealt with, and the Bible says to be sure your sin will find you out, and guess what?..."
(I may or may not have used that one before.)

Talk to him about porn, even if he hasn't opened the conversation, YOU open it.  Ya, hard. Ugly. but do it.

Pray God will convict his heart.
Wait on the Lord.


8. CHANGE YOUR VIEW

I'm desperately hoping I'm not the only one here when I say this, but after I knew that my sweet, precious baby who has SO much promise, potential, and joy saw porn, my view of him changed.

For days after I realized the truth, I would look at his face (that still reminds me SO much of when he was a baby), and see his sin.  I'd look into those eyes and be hit hard with what those eyes had seen.  My heart would break all over again.  I'd think of those images seared on his mind in a way I will probably never understand, and the knife would turn.  My shoulders would droop, heaviness would loom over me. I'd feel sick, and hurt, and crushed.

But, God was gracious,
(Isn't that a beautiful statement?  God was GRACIOUS)
 and smacked me along the side of the head with a 2x4.  
(Truth, sister. It came hard and fast!)
 He impressed on me, in the middle of one of those soul-crushing moments

THAT HE DOESN'T DO THAT TO ME.

He doesn't see my sin on me.
He doesn't turn His face from me, when I'm wallowing down here, still wrapped up in all my sin.
He doesn't hang it over my head.
He doesn't make sure I hurt as much as He hurt when I continue to sin.

HE SEES ME THROUGH CHRIST.
He sees me as a sinner in need of grace.
He sees me as a daughter He loves.
He sees me as righteous in His sight.
I am precious,
loved,
and forgiven.

And I am to extend that same vision to my son.

Now as in all things, there are still consequences for my sin.
I still have to pay the price when I choose to walk my own path, instead of God's.
But there is love, forgiveness, and hope.
Always HOPE.
Praise Him!



9.  REFLECT

Thank God for bringing this sin to light.
Thank him that His grace is enough to pull you all through this.
Thank him that he sustains and renews you every morning... and tomorrow is a new day, you just have to survive today (Starbucks, anyone?)

Redouble your efforts.  Where do you need to be wiser?
What have your learned from how/where/when this all happened?
Where can you focus effort now, and prepare for the next battle?

This is going to take time.

This is going to come back.

You are going to be in a battle for a long while.

(Sorry.  Just being honest and real here, though it hurts to say.  
This is a long battle.  Budget for Starbucks.)

Reflect on what you need to do to get the energy for the battle.
(Coffee, lunches with friends, and remembering who the ultimate winner of this whole crazy ride is.  Spend time with the Winner.  Talk with the Winner.  Read the things He's written for you.)



10. Talk, talk, and PRAY.

I'm sure 99% of what I say goes right through their heads.
Mom's voice = tuning out.

I'll know I'm reaching them a LITTLE, when they can almost mock what I'm saying.  i.e. "Ya, ya, mom, I know... it's all fantasy. It's a lie from the pit of hell... you say it all the time."  <--that right there means maybe he is beginning to hear me.  That's what I'm going for.

And the only way to get there, is to talk about it ALL. THE. TIME.

I love this version of the passage in Deuteronomy, talking about the importance of imparting God's word to your children:

Deuteronomy 6:6-9

The Voice 
Make the things I’m commanding you today part of who you are. Repeat them to your children. Talk about them when you’re sitting together in your home and when you’re walking together down the road. Make them the last thing you talk about before you go to bed and the first thing you talk about the next morning. Do whatever it takes to remember them: tie a reminder on your hand and bind a reminder on your foreheadwhere you’ll see it all the time, such as on the doorpost where you cross the threshold or on thecity gate.

This is the same passion that I want to impart to my boys regarding the pitfalls of porn.  But it's not just a once and done thing.
This is a daily, hourly, minute by minute thing that needs to be talked about over and over and over.  

And not lectured. 
Please, not lectured.
But an open dialogue.
Questions.

Pray

Obviously this list is by no means in the proper order.  I wrote it this way to deal with the immediate all-up-in-your-grill ugliness, and work our way down to the most important thing you can do, after you have calmed down.

We can do everything in our power.  We can lock everything down, we can be on them like slime on a slug, we can know where they are every. single. second. and not let them forget it.  But, by nature, we are all inventors of evil. And there is a way around anything.  So until the Lord gets a hold of his heart and changes it from a heart of stone to a heart of flesh, just keep praying, talking, and praying.

Ezekiel 36:26

The Voice 
26 I will plant a new heart and new spirit inside of you. I will take out your stubborn, stony heart and give you a willing, tender heart of flesh.


God is in the business of changing hearts.
Your job is to be faithful to that which He has called you.

In the next post, we'll talk about WHAT to talk about and start filling up your arsenal for the battle.

It's gonna be awesome.

In the meantime.
God is ON HIS THRONE.
There are thousands of moms in this fight with us.
You are NOT alone.
He's got this!

Entitlement Project--Week 1

I just finished an amazing book by Kay Wyma called 

Cleaning House: A Mom's Twelve-Month Experiment to Rid Her Home of Youth Entitlement




And if you know me, I'm a jump in with BOTH FEET immediately, and think about the logistics of it later kind of person.  But, I had seen a lot of entitlement issues in our home for years and was at a loss for real hands on kind of things I could do about it other than the usual lectures about kids starving and other people with NOTHING... and blah blah blah.

SO I bought Kay's book on Amazon, got it on a Friday afternoon and finished it by Sunday night.  Mr. Measure and I discussed alnog the way and we all sat down and had a family discussion about the 

Video Game Problem.

If you have more than one child, and only one video game system... and they have sharing issues, honesty issues, timer issues... well, it gets ugly. There's a whole lot of bringing complaints to me, and how unfair all of this is, and "Can I just finish this mission? I'm playing LIVE!"  

Ugh. 

It gives me a headache just typing that!

Plus, if everyone has a turn, and brothers are watching or playing with, it can add up to HOURS AND HOURS a day, even though each has just one and a half hours a day, it grows to be about 19 hours by the end of the day.  If you add in hassle time, it's about 27 hours a day.

Ugh.


UGH!


So...

 project 1, month 1.

VIDEO GAME DETOX

There is SO. MUCH. entitlement in the video games around here. Everyone thinks it's a right.  Their whole world revolves around when they can play, what they can play, who they can play with (and who made them mad and can totally NOT play with them, EVER!), and lots of time micro managing for brothers, and just UGLY UGLY UGLY.

So that's where we started.

We sat down as a family.  Told them what we were seeing in them and dealing with and what we were going to do about it.

There was attitude.

Dislike.

Maybe a few almost tears on edges of eyes.



But not as bad as I thought it would be.

*whew*

But, we'll see how this week/month progresses.  
I don't think they know there's a world outside that they can interact with during the daylight and after homeschool hours.

It'll be interesting to see what they choose to do.

So far no one has told me they're bored... but I'm really good at handing out the chores when they do that.  It's funny to see them hang around me, just kind of looking around, but not saying "the words".

We'll see...
Anyone brave enough to join me?

P.S.  We did tell the son who paid for a subscription to xBox live that we will reimburse him for this lost month.

AND, we did tell them that if we saw good attitudes and kindness and creativity during this time, we will be carefully re-introducing it on a very limited basis next month.  Probably.

Oh, and we MIGHT let them play ONLY if Mr. Measure and I are out on a date, because, in all honesty, when they are old enough and big enough to cause serious damage and dismemberment to others in the home that tick them off.. it's a pretty good babysitter.  (They're pretty sure we need to go out tonight.)